Saugus Nurses Office Offers Breakthrough Cure to COVID


Image Courtesy of CDC

The standard reusable ice pack has been credited to cure the COVID-19 pandemic by school nurses.

Kylie McLean, The Scroll, Staff Writer

This just in: nurses at Saugus have found the cure to COVID-19. Resting an ice pack on your head for five minutes and then eating two saltine crackers afterwards is the reliable and official cure to COVID-19. After about a year of the virus lingering with us and several months of looking for a cure, nurses have finally realized that it had been in front of them this whole time. 

The best remedy to anything, whether it is a broken ankle, headache, stomach ache, fever, dizziness, nausea, or any other signs of sickness is ice, according to the nurses office. An ice pack can solve any problem. Nurses and officials tested this out by resting an ice pack on their head for a few minutes. After hours of testing, they came to the conclusion that most of the virus can be cured, if you leave an ice pack on for exactly five minutes. 

 After just figuring out that the ice pack has made COVID-19 patients feel better, they realized that that wasn’t enough to fully cure them from the virus. They had to come up with one other solution. Doctors realized that food is also a healer to any injury or sickness. Saltine crackers were handy at the time of trying to find a cure, so they tested to see how many crackers it would take to make the patients feel better. It was said that it would take two crackers to finish off the new cure. Overall, testing to find this cure took two days, which makes it completely trustworthy. 

Scientists have begun to study the scientific properties of the elusive saltine cracker. (Image Courtesy of CDC)

One of the nurses, Daisy Doodle, said her point of view of what the process of finding their cure was, “Well let me tell you, it was not fun. There were around fifteen people crammed in our office, and that many people isn’t a lot when you are trying to end a global pandemic. Some COVID-19 patients volunteered to test-run this cure, which was a bad idea at first. Since they couldn’t taste the crackers they started to complain, which gave me a headache. Also, one of the many known symptoms is a sore throat, so when they ate those salt-packed crackers, it went downhill from there. Many coughs, germ-spreading, and testing later, we finally found the cure.”

Maggie McDonald took the cure and commented, “I have never felt better. Who would have known that the cure to this virus is so simple and easy.” She feels relieved that she has it and is now completely immune to the virus. 

The first Saugus High student to take the cure was Bill Ice Cube. He stated, “I was not feeling too well before I got the cure. I hadn’t tested for COVID-19, but the cure made me feel better right away.” Cube said that he will make sure all of his friends and family get it as well. 

Governor Newsom also included his perspective on the process and outcome of the cure, “Finding the cure took some time and there were many tests completed. After hours of hard work and research, our team, including the nurses, discovered the cure.” Newsom also described how he felt after taking this cure, “I feel amazing. This simple remedy will make you feel like weight is lifted off your shoulders and the crackers do taste good. More importantly, if you haven’t tested positive, or have any symptoms, I still highly recommend taking the cure.”

Following this discovery, the Hart District had a board meeting to discuss how everyone attending school would be able to get the cure. A board member suggested, “An effective way all students can get the cure is to come to Saugus High and receive it there.” Many members agreed with that response. 

Another important detail for students to note when receiving the cure is that masks are optional. “Since the guaranteed cure only takes a few minutes to work, students have to start getting used to not wearing masks,” another board member commented. Once every student at each high school has taken the cure, they will be able to go back full time. 

After several people have taken this cure, the President has decided that all Americans will recieve saltine crackers and ice packs shipped to their home. “I believe this is the best decision, so everyone has the ability to get the new cure,” President Joe Biden commented. 

One of the well-known scientists, Dr. Fauchi, had definitely had some stuff to say about this new cure, “In my opinion, the opinion of a scientist, I am hesitant about this new cure. Even though patients and other people are feeling better after taking it, there is no real data that it can kill this virus. We shouldn’t ignore the vaccine we have been giving out to people, just because they feel better after a few crackers.” He disagrees with this new cure, unlike some of the other officials.

Several board members and officials are planning to give an award to Saugus High School and rewards to the nurses as well. They are planning to give Saugus the “Best High School” Award and are going to give each nurse money for their hard work. 

Saugus staff and students as well as many other Americans will be able to receive the cure. Officials are still in disbelief that this combination of crackers and an ice pack will put an end to this virus.


April Fools! All stories published today on The Scroll are satire. None of the facts, quotes, or details in the story above are true and should not be taken as fact.