But Him

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Anaisa Castillo, Staff Writer

I guess I had never expected this kind of replacement. Or this possibility. Perhaps it’s me being conceited, but I’ve always known I couldn’t be replaced. That was until he came along. And only him. It’s funny to think. Funny to think because it was never the star athlete, the jock, or the metal head, not even the best friend. None of them made me rethink my position. But him…him…a version of me that’ll be closer to you than I’ll ever be. That’s what scared me, the mass of others could never. Miles upon miles play as fault and reason for our separation. Calls and texts being the closest form of connection. But him? He was the closest form now. The closest form of our connection. He was the physical form I could never be. The physical presence. A makeup for the connection lost due to distance. But do you want to know what scares me most? What if I was him? What if I was a version of him? What if I was that degraded half or the defected third, perhaps there was a decimal that prevented me from ever being a whole, and maybe he was the whole. Maybe he was the main character in a book and I was the setting. Is the setting more important? Or the character? Does the setting develop the character or does the character develop the setting? But maybe I’m discrediting myself. I was here first right? Doesn’t that make me the only? Maybe that just makes me a comparison to the best, an example that the better and best comes in time…not at first sight. I can’t help but see a known unknown now. By this I mean a figure of which presents itself to be me but him all the while. Though I’ve never met this copy, I am overly familiar and endlessly introduced to options. Yes options…not options for me but for my whole. I understand now really. It’s overly simplistic and dependent but, that’s my whole. They’re my whole. I’ve always been a fraction of the ideal lover. That’s the issue though, two wholes are meant to be, so why would a whole want a half? Unless they were a half as well and I failed to notice. But they’re perfect. So perfect. They could never be half of anything. Not half mines or his. But I beg…I’ll be the best half a whole could never be.