Minutes From the Covid Board Meeting

Micah Ebstein, Staff writer

Five figures dressed in neat suits sit around a long table. The oldest, sitting at the end, stands holding a clipboard.


BOSS: “Thank you all for coming. Especially you, Mu. We know you had to travel quite far to get here.”


Mu nods her appreciation. The man continues.


BOSS: We will now begin with roll. Beta called in sick. Delta?


DELTA: Here.


BOSS: Omicron?






MU: Yes, I’m here.


BOSS: Omicron, you’re our newest. You joined after our last meeting. I am SARS-CoV-2, but around the office I’m called CoV2. I am the original COVID-19 variant and CEO of Covid Enterprises.


OMICRON: I know, sir. You’re a bit of a legend around the other viruses.


COV2 laughs.


COV2: Now if you’ll all refer to your- oh! There’s one more name here. Epsilon?




COV2: Now, if you’ll all refer to your agendas. Our first order of business is discussing our reaction to the new mandates. Delta, your presentation?


Delta stands as a projector screen descends. The lights dim.


DELTA: Thank you. As you all probably know, the vaccine booster has been approved for ages 12+. Next slide, please. There are also new mask mandates. People must wear their mask when not social distancing, even if they are – next slide, please – outside. This is obviously going to lower our infection rates for the next quarter. Some of our investors, including Mumps, have withdrawn funding for many of our branches. Next slide, please. Rhinovirus has threatened to withdraw as well if we don’t come up with a solution.


Lights brighten and the projector screen retracts.


COV2: Thank you, Delta. Suggestions? 


Omicron raises his hand.


COV2: Yes, Omicron.


OMICRON: We could mutate in a way to poison water supplies. We could infect so many more people!


Mu nods


MU: I second that!


COV2: I like your ambition, but I don’t know how accomplishable that is.


He looks at Delta.


DELTA: Based on our current funding, I don’t think the budget will allow any mutation that big.


EPSILON: We could-


Mu interrupts.


MU: Why don’t we work on spreading via contact? There are plenty of people still touching their faces.


OMICRON: We could change our entry strategy. We get in through the nose and mouth. If we can make it easier to enter through the eyes or scrapes…


DELTA: I’ve also noticed that the vaccines allow immune cells to recognize our spikes. If we can disguise those, we’d be unrecognizable.


MU: Agreed


COV2: Those are good. I’ll get R&D to see what they can cook up. 


OMICRON: What if we pretend to be affected by Johnson and Janssen, just to throw everyone off?


The room erupts in laughter. It eventually dies out and COV2 refers to the agenda.


COV2: Now, the next order of business is the overall report. Delta?


DELTA: The good news: we are peaking in hospitalizations and have reached an all-time high in reported cases: 782k average cases a week worldwide as of January 12 – vv mostly thanks to Omicron.


Applause, Epsilon pats Omicron on the back.


DELTA: The bad news, 75% of the US population alone is getting vaccinated, and we have a lower death count than our previous quarter. There is an obvious focus on quantity over quality.


Delta eyes Omicron disapprovingly.


COV2: Thank you Delta. And thank you all for coming to the monthly report meeting. Meeting adjourned.