It was the idea of being first that I wanted, the first in everything. Not the kind of first you win a competition or a rating. I wanted to be the first person they saw in ways they only saw in other people. The reactions, the compliments, or the attention I never got because I was simply not them is what tormented me. To see those who didn’t hold my title, get the exact attention I craved. This was supposed to come with my title, wasn’t it? I’m more than just a friend, or a celebrity that you admire from afar. I’m right here, right here on the same premise. But why was it as though I was watching from behind the sidelines, behind a crowd of people like I was nonexistent to them. Nonexistent because they had yet to meet me and I had yet grown the nerve to step up. Like I was just any other person that had admiration for somebody but would never speak upon it. But i wasnt that person, I was the person who did all that and more. I think what killed my character most besides this was the pain of giving and not receiving. I gave the attention and acknowledgment I wanted, yet it was never reciprocated, though practiced in a different direction. And this went on because I told myself that perhaps it’s normal, that perhaps there’s room for other people to get this attention. But I never had any room for anybody else but them, so how did they? And it’s because I created a pedestal, one that placed them so high above anybody else that it became impossible to look in any other direction, no matter how good of a promise or proposition came along. Even if inner peace and a promise for better, I still hold them higher than anything or anyone. And I’d like to say I’ve grown and healed, but as time passes which should entail healing, I never did heal. I learned to ignore it. See i thought I  had learned to grow the nerve to outgrow this uncomfort and dissatisfaction but i only taught myself to conceal and disregard. Recurring events being normalized because it was a typical behavior. And instead of saving myself the trouble of seeing this, I force myself to see through and hope for a change. So I wait in exhaustion for the recognition I like to believe I deserve. I just hope to one day be seen the same way they see the others.