Valentine’s day, a day to celebrate someone special in your life. Many may have that special someone but for the majority of us, that may not be the case. So, if you happen to be particularly bitter about being alone this Valentine’s Day, here are some things to fuel your lonely rage of fury towards this unnecessary holiday.

The first thing I would do is waste your money on all the chocolate you can find.  Indulge yourself. Sure, it’s nice when someone else buys them for you, but they would probably only buy you what? One box? The more chocolate the merrier. 

The next step would be to imagine the most fantasite date you can ever imagine, and then do the opposite. Outdoor dining opened just in time for a nice romantic date, however never underestimate the power of making fun of another Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy while eating Top Ramen on the couch.

If you think this Valentine’s day is the year where you want to make a move on someone, you have got to go big. We’re talking like popping out of a spinning oversized  cake with fireworks big. The loneliness of quarantine can really take a toll, so I suggest doing something really special. If you know this person likes art, fill their front lawn with cardboard cutouts of Van Gogh, and if they like music blast a playlist of your choice outside their window at exactly 12 a.m. on February 14th.

The last thing you should remember about Valentine’s Day is that it’s a great time to get revenge on those who have wronged you. Recreating the “Friends” episode when Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel burn all of the belongings of their exes may seem like the obvious choice, but remember to go big or go home. Take Carrie Underwood’s advice: baseball bat to the headlights, slashing tires. Valentine’s Day is full of opportunities no matter your emotional state. So maybe some years it red roses but who cares if this year it’s you , your dog and RuPauls drag Race.

The article above is a work of satire, a parody presented in the format of typical mainstream journalism.